Hollywood is full of pretty boys who all talk, act, and try to play the same game. They hide behind a blanket of bullshit with cookie cutter answers to the same boring questions that 99 percent of reporters throw at them. Their agents and publicists work tirelessly around the clock to protect their star’s image so that the money will keep rolling in. Every so often the truth peaks out from behind the curtain and the public is horrified at the real person that has been hiding behind the facade. The public’s simple minds can’t believe that Mel Gibson is actually a jew hating misogynist and Lindsey Lohan is a lesbian coke whore. The careers of such stars are shattered before they even have the time to come up with a half assed excuse. The majority of famous people would curl up and disappear until the shit storm passes in hopes of reviving their careers somewhere down the line. Most stars would do almost anything to avoid the public knowing who they really are but every so often you find a man that doesn’t give a shit. Every so often you will come across a man who is so comfortable with their own awesomeness that they have no problem telling the whole world to lick their taint. Cincinnati Red's fan, Charlie Sheen, is that man.
Charlie Sheen may just be my hero. Here is a man who is worth more money than most third world countries and yet still goes balls to the wall every night of his life despite the fact that he makes most of his money on a family sitcom. Charlie Sheen doesn’t give a fuck about your family. You know what he cares about? Crack and whores. Lets take a look at a time line of his badass behavior:
1990 – Charlie Sheen checks himself into rehab for the first time. Later that year, Charlie broke up with then fiance, Kelly Preston, after accidentally shooting her in the arm.
1995 – Sheen testifies at Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss’ trial that he’s spent more than $50,000 on at least 27 different call girls. He admits that he has a penchant for hookers dressing up like cheerleaders.
1996 – Sheen was charged with attacking a girlfriend, pleaded no contest and was put on two-years probation.
1998 - His father, actor Martin Sheen, turned him in for violating parole after an alleged cocaine overdose sent him to the hospital. He was then ordered to undergo rehab. In related news, Martin Sheen turns out to be a pussy
2006 - Sheen splits from Denise Richards after 4 years of marriage. Richards files for divorce and claims that Sheen physically and verbally abused her and threatened to kill her. She files a restraining order against him after the divorce.
December 25, 2009 - Sheen threatened to kill his wife, Brooke Mueller, with a knife after she wanted a divorce in Aspen, Colo. After being arrested for the altercation, he told police he didn’t threaten to kill her, but was upset by the divorce threat. How can you really blame the guy?
August 2010 - Sheen pleads guilty in Aspen, Colo., to misdemeanor third-degree assault. He was sentenced to 30 days in rehab, 30 days of probation and 36 hours of anger management.
May 18 – After taking a short leave of absence from Two and a Half Men, things started looking up when Sheen signed an agreement for a two-year extension on Two and a Half Men, earning $1.25 mil per episode. Do you know how many hookers you can get with 1.25 million dollars a week? Charlie’s dick spends the next couple months celebrating
Oct. 26, 2010 – Despite being on vacation with his family, and ex-wife Denise Richards, Sheen reportedly attended a wild dinner with porn stars. Later, Sheen was removed from his Plaza Hotel suite in New York City around 2 a.m., after causing a disturbance when he allegedly lost a valuable watch. There was $7,000 of damage to the room, and a porn star keeping Sheen company reportedly locked herself in the bathroom. When the police arrive, Sheen is running around the hotel room naked yelling the word “nigger.” Sheen’s publicist tells reporters that he had an adverse reaction to medication. Apparently Charlie was prescribed cocaine and hookers to treat a sinus infection.
Jan. 14, 2011 – Sheen has a bender in Las Vegas, complete with a wild weekend reportedly spent with porn stars Bree Olsen, Bombshell McGee and Lindsay Sinai in his penthouse suite. After CBS failed to be able to reach him for his Two and a Half Men call time, he finally returned to his show late in the morning via private jet from Vegas. Anyone who follows Bree Olsen’s twitter feed knows that Charlie made a good decision this time around.
Jan. 27, 2011 - After spending the weekend partying and being generally badass, Charlie admits himself in the hospital for tummy aches.
Feb. 24, 2011 - Charlie goes on fellow nut job, Alex Jones’, radio show and gives us the privilege of hearing one of the greatest rants of all time which includes talking shit about everyone from the producer of his hit tv show to Thomas Jefferson.
As you can see, Charlie has been a very busy man the last 20 years. After the July 27th incident, one of Charlie’s sluts, Kasey Jordan, decided to be a yappy cunt and tell Howard Stern of Sheen’s master plan. Charlie is in the process of building the Noah’s Arc of porn palaces. He wants a black, blonde, brunette, asian, indian, etc. He has offered each one of them a Bentley, as well as, anything else their heart desires in order to stay at his house and fuck him whenever he has an inkling for pussy. As he explains his master plan to Kasey, she claims that he free bases a chunk of cocaine every 5 minutes or so. It turns out that smoking massive amounts of cocaine on a daily basis made Charlie look like this:
Kasey also claims in her interview that Charlie has the biggest porn collection that she has ever seen. Thats pretty impressive coming from a porn star. She said that they sat in his home theatre and watched porn together while he critiqued such things as camera angles. When Kasey started to fall asleep from the massive amounts of alcohol that was being consumed, Charlie romantically blew smoke in her face from his crack pipe. After some sloppy sex and a nice long shower, Kacey was out the door with a 30 thousand dollar check for her time.
Now that the true debauchery of Charlie’s life was made completely public, Sheen checked into rehab for a whole day. If that isn’t an honest commitment to sobriety then I don’t know what is. Now that Charlie was supposedly clean and sober, Two and a Half Men was scheduled to start taping again next week. That was before he made what could be the coolest phone call into a radio station of all time.
Yesterday, Charlie made a phone call to his friend and conspiracy theorist/radio host, Alex Jones. Not only did we learn that Charlie hangs out with fellow 1980’s mullet enthusiast, Lenny “Nails” Dykstra, but we also found out what Charlie thinks about various subjects.
To start off the interview, Charlie did his best to let the world know just how fucking sweet he is:
"I think it was Nails that said, and I was really flattered that he got it right, he might be Nails, but I'm bayonets. I'm battle tested bayonets... I'm so tired of pretending like my life isn't just perfect and just winning every second, and I'm not just perfect and bitching and just delivering the goods at every frickin' turn. Look what I'm dealing with, man. I'm dealing with fools and trolls. I'm dealing with soft targets, and it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, 'I can't process it.' Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show."
I tend to agree with everything that he had to say so far. He does seem to deliver the goods and I do enjoy sitting back and watching the show. Not his sitcom but his fucked up life.
Charlie then waxes poetically about his bitches:
Charlie then waxes poetically about his bitches:
"Let me say this about the Goddesses, I don't think the term is good enough, but when you're bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best term available. So if you think about it dude, I'm 0-for-3 in marriage, but like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate, or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I'll leave to the amateurs and bible grippers."
Again, he has a point. He obviously wasn’t that good at marriage so why not just fuck anything that accepts a check.
So how is sobriety going for you Charlie?
"I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself... It's the work of sissies. The only thing I'm addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math … another one of their mottoes is 'Don't be special, be one of us.' Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bullshit! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I'm done … you don't look like you're having a lot of fun. I'm gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view, Alex!"
Now thats how you own it bitches! AA is for pussies. Charlie isn’t a pussy and he won’t take your shit.
"I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground."
Did you hear that? He will destroy you in the air. He will deploy his ordinance to the ground. Smoking cocaine must be fucking awesome!
He then rambled on about vatican assassins and working for the pope to kill people. I won’t even try to figure out what he is talking about there but I’m sure its very important and over your head. He also finds time to call the creator of Two and a Half Men, Chuck Lorre, a turd and tell us how he embarrassed Lorre in front of his children by healing himself at a pace that Lorre’s unevolved mind couldn’t process. He later gets offended when Alex Jones compares him to Thomas Jefferson and informs us that Jefferson was a pussy and that he dares anyone to debate him. I don’t know about you, but I don’t plan on debating Sheen anytime soon.
Later last night after CBS decided to shut down the taping of Charlie’s hit sitcom, Sheen released a letter to TMZ that reads:
What does this say about Haim Levine [Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.
Remember these are my people ... not yours...we will continue on together...
Charlie Sheen
Please explain to me how Charlie Sheen isn’t the best thing to happen to Hollywood since...well....ever. You can’t. Charlie Sheen is the fucking man. He shouldn’t even go by the name Charlie Sheen anymore. I think he should go back to his original last name and be called Chucky Estevez. Now lets just hope that Chucky Estevez survives long enough to deliver us what is destined to be a cinematic classic in Hot Shots 3. Long live Chucky Estevez!
Please explain to me how Charlie Sheen isn’t the best thing to happen to Hollywood since...well....ever. You can’t. Charlie Sheen is the fucking man. He shouldn’t even go by the name Charlie Sheen anymore. I think he should go back to his original last name and be called Chucky Estevez. Now lets just hope that Chucky Estevez survives long enough to deliver us what is destined to be a cinematic classic in Hot Shots 3. Long live Chucky Estevez!
